WHEN YOUR BABY DIES
What Is A Still Born Or Neo-Natal Death?
A stillborn baby has died before being born, shows no sign of life and is past the 20th week of pregnancy or weighed 400 grams. The baby can die in the uterus before birth or during labour. A neo-natal death occurs within minutes, hours or up to 28 days after a live birth.
Why Does This Happen?
There are many reasons why this may occur. Discussion with the appropriate medical personnel can sometimes be explanatory and comforting. But often the reasons cannot be found for the death. An autopsy may establish the cause of death perhaps identifying genetic malformations or other problems which may affect the planning of future pregnancies.
Types Of Delivery
When a baby has died before the birth, doctors feel a vaginal delivery is beneficial to the long-term health and future child-bearing of the mother, although the immediate psychological effect is distressing. An exception to this is if a caesarean section is already underway for the birth of a live baby or the mother has a history of caesarean deliveries.
Doctors And Hospital Staff
Doctors and hospital staff are becoming increasingly aware of their supportive roles when a stillbirth or neo-natal death occurs. Abruptness, avoidance, super efficiency and apparent lack of feelings are often covers to help staff cope with their emotions. They too are understandably upset and may be afraid of losing their objectivity by becoming too involved. Only in recent times has the understanding of the psychological effects made it acceptable for them to share in the crying, the sadness and the disappointment.
Creating Memories
Before anyone can accept the death of a baby they must realise that he/she actually existed.
Seeing And Holding The Baby
The practice of parents seeing and holding the baby is encouraged but it is still a matter of individual choice. We believing seeing and holding the baby to be positively therapeutic in the grief-healing process. For those close to the parents it may be a worthwhile experience too. The reality of seeing the baby provides memories of that child in future years.
It can be arranged to see and hold the baby up to the time of the funeral.
Photographs
Requesting and allowing photographs to be taken of the baby before or after death is encouraged in many hospitals. Some hospitals take a photo and make it available to the parents.
It is a good idea to bring your own camera and a roll of film so you can take your own photos or so hospital staff can take photos of the family with the baby.
For many, a photo adds realism to the baby and is an ongoing aid in grieving even though the thought may be distressing at the time.
Other Memories
Talk with hospital staff about other things you can have to help you remember your baby.
These include:
Naming And Registration
Giving a baby a name can help to emphasise the special identity of that child.
A baby has to be registered if he/she has reached 20 weeks gestation or weighs 400 grams, whether born dead or alive.
Certificates for birth and death are available.
Whether or not the parents choose to name the child is entirely up to them.
By law you must register the birth within 60 days.
Religious Beliefs
Religious ceremonies such as baptism, burial etc can be meaningful for parents and families concerned, depending upon their individual wishes and beliefs.
Funeral Arrangements
There are many potions from which to choose and settling upon suitable arrangements is something that needs much thought, even perhaps the consideration of taking the dead baby home for a desired time.
Most funeral directors will discuss all the facts realistically.
Some people have even conducted their own baby’s funeral.
It is often helpful for the whole family to be involved in the funeral.
A funeral formalises the death as an event worthy of time and attention. It is a sharing ritual and provides somewhere specific, be it a grave, plaque, or shrub for parents and families to be with the baby to experience and express their sadness.
If you are a low-income earner, financial support may be available. See the social worker for more information.
Things That May Help You
Remember that each person will grieve in his or her own way. If you can share your grief with your partner, it will be easier for both of you to bear.
Your immediate family, grandparents and children may need to be included in contact with your baby.
Grandparents often find difficulty in coping with the death of a grandchild. Their feelings are often for their own children (the baby’s parents) rather than the dead baby.
They wish to protect their child from hurt and find themselves powerless in this situation.
Friends are often unsure and frightened of how parents will react resulting in their staying away and avoiding any contact.
Feelings
There are a wide range of feelings the grieving person will experience. These include shock, anger, guilt, despair, relief, numbness, sadness, hostility, depression and the hope just to name a few.
Don’t avoid talking about what happened. Do take the opportunity to review the experience within yourself and with others.
CRADLE Support Group
CRADLE NT is a voluntary self-help support group for those who have experienced the death of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, neo-natal death, or any other tragedy. The group holds monthly meetings with the opportunity for personal and group discussions. The type of support received by families after the loss of their baby is of crucial importance for their subsequent psychological and physical health, their social adjustment and marital relationship. The child will never be forgotten but we hope that with time and support everyone will be able to work out an acceptable “place” for the child in the continuing life of the family and to make sense, if there is any, of your great loss.
Some Helpful Books Available
LOSS OF BABY-Understanding Maternal Grief By Margaret Nicol
WHEN HELLO MEANS GOODBYE By Pat Schwiebery and Paul Kirk
EMPTY ARMS By Sherokee Ilse
WHEN THE DREAM IS SHATTERED By Judith and Michael Murray
THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL By Brookes
NO TIME TO SAY GOODBYE By P Arnott
FUNERALS TO CELEBRATE LIFE By M Barnes
THE COURAGE TO HEAL By Bass and Daws
WHEN A BABY DIES By Nancy Kohner and Alix Henley
THE REAL PREGNANCY GUIDE by Vivienne Parry
Most libraries have an extensive range of these books.
CRADLE NT also has a comprehensive book library.
CRADLE NT INC.
PHONE: 0438 272 353