WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Your baby has died, this is probably the most devastating event to happen in your life. Though it may be hard, there are some very important decisions to be made in these painful hours and days after the death of your child. Choices made now will create treasured memories. In this pamphlet we have endeavoured to help you with some options.

Most people treasure the short amount of time they spend with their baby, before and/or after death. During this time you may wish to see, hold or bath your baby, or have the baby in your room with you. Discuss choices with your partner and speak to the hospital staff about your wishes.

You may wish to arrange to have the following items for after the birth:

• A camera and film (this may be your only opportunity to photograph your baby, so maybe two cameras and lots of film to be on the safe side). The hospital has a camera (Polaroids) which can be used, but these pictures are not long lasting. Often parent’s wish they had a photo of themselves with their child, make sure one is taken.
• Some baby clothes, if it is possible to dress your child. Or a bunny rug or wrap if the child is in a delicate condition. The NT Quilters provide free of charge some very beautiful handmade baby blankets. Ask the midwives at the hospital and they will give you some to choose from.
• Some good quality paper or cardboard for hand and footprints. The hospital takes prints for you and will have inkpads and paper if you do not get time to organise this. Also you may wish to bring an envelope or some special paper to save a lock of your babies hair.
• Arrange for the cot card to be completed and given to you, you can also have the baby’s identification bands.

If there are some special people you would like to come to the birthing suite to see your baby after the birth, this can usually be arranged. Ask the midwives or social worker at the hospital.

Friends and family will need to be notified, if you do not wish to do this yourself, you might ask a friend or family member to make the calls for you.

 A social worker will come to see you either before or after the birth, depending on your circumstances. They can advise you of all the legal formalities that must occur. This includes the birth and death certificates, and any Centrelink entitlements that may apply to you.

The hospital also has a Chaplain on call 24 hours a day. The chaplain is available to help with just about every aspect of what is happening. If you are on your own they can stay with you for as long as you need them. They can be there for the relatives during the birth also. Depending on your religious beliefs, a christening, blessing or baptism can be arranged at the hospital or elsewhere. The Chaplain can also help you with funeral arrangements and can provide books and pamphlets with relevant information.

If you wish to see the Social Worker or the Chaplain at any time, ask the staff caring for you and they will call them.

You may be asked if you would like an autopsy performed on your baby. This can be a very painful decision. If you decide to have it done, the results may not be available for up to 6 weeks. After an autopsy there will be some marks on your babies body. It is important to ask about the procedure and the condition of the baby afterwards before you make your decision. The staff will answer any questions you have.

Eventually you will have to leave the hospital, and your baby. This can be a devastating moment. Remember that you may call the social worker and view your baby again if you wish.

Making Arrangements with the funeral directors:

The social workers and Chaplain can help you with this, but eventually you must decide which company you will use. These are listed in the Yellow Pages under Funeral Directors.

Once you have chosen one, ring to make an appointment and discuss what you would like to do. Their services range from simply conveying the baby from the hospital to the Funeral Parlour and then organising a burial or cremation through to arranging services, viewing, casket, cars and flowers, newspaper notices and functions. Discuss your options and prices with them.

The services of a funeral director can be costly. In most cases, if you are eligible for maternity allowance from Centrelink, the hospital social worker can organise for the forms to be completed and payment made as quickly as possible to help with the funeral costs.

If you would like any special items placed in the casket with your baby, tell the funeral director and this can be arranged. Some people like to include photos of family or a letter to the child, a trinket, soft toy or other meaningful item.

Ceremonies:

You will have some time to think about whether or not you would like a funeral service or some kind of ritual (eg Naming Service) to mark your child’s life. In the case of having a private service ensure everyone is aware of this. 

Some location suggestions are:

• A service at the chapel in the crematorium. Or Funeral Parlour.
• A service at your regular Church or place of worship (if you have one).
• A service at home.
• A service at a park, beach or place of significance to you. 

You can choose whether or not your baby’s body or ashes are present at this event. You may have an open casket if you choose. If your baby is to be held, make arrangements for him or her to be tightly wrapped, as baby can become very delicate. 

At any of these places you may like to choose some music with special meaning, have some poems read out, or have speeches made by people close to you. Ask family or friends if they would like to read or write something for the occasion. 

You may like to scatter petals or flowers into water, release balloons into the sky or have a candle lighting ceremony. 

For more suggestions on ceremonies you can speak to the hospital Chaplain who has some books and pamphlets with suggestions for reading and types of services. 

Photos of these events are often treasured later. They make up an important part of your baby’s life story. Try to arrange for someone to take pictures if you wish. 

People often receive many flowers. Some people find it too painful having to deal with this. You could ask friends and family to make a donation to a particular organisation in memory of your child. Let people know what your wishes are by putting them in a newspaper notice. 

After the Funeral or Ceremony:

If your baby has been buried there are many different markers for your baby’s grave. Ask your funeral director about options. 

If your baby has been cremated then you can decide what you will do with the ashes. There is no hurry, don’t worry if this takes years. Many people keep the ashes with them for a long time until they decide on an appropriate place for them. You may choose under a plant in your garden, at the cemetery, scattered somewhere you like such as the beach, the sea, off a mountain or in an urn at your home. 

Remember that everyone grieves differently, do things that you are comfortable with at your own pace.