INTRODUCTION
The grief experienced after the death of a baby can be as intense as the grief after and death of a spouse. The age of the baby does not seem to affect the intensity of the grief. The emotional bond between the mother and the baby develops early in the pregnancy and if the baby dies, the parents experience both the deep loss of a special person as well as a shattering of their hopes and dreams for the future.
THINGS THAT MAY HELP
Many parents have found the following suggestions to be helpful in the resolution of their grief:
HOW WILL I REACT TO THE DEATH OF MY BABY?
There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. The intensity, length and progress of grief will differ from person to person, as will the emotional response to the loss. Some physical symptoms of grief include stomach pains; dizziness; longing to hold the baby; aching breasts; sleeping problems; loss of appetite’ pre-occupation with the baby; repetitious dreams about the baby; lack of strength; irritability and poor sex drive.
If these symptoms occur, parents should consider discussing them with their doctor or support person.
There are a number of common emotional responses to grief. These include shock and denial; disorganisation/lack of direction; anger and guilt; depression; loss and loneliness and healing and readjustment.
It is important to remember that these responses may occur in any order and sometimes not at all.
The grieving process may take one or more years and reminders of our grief may bring about periods of sadness for many years.
Recognising difficult times after the death of a baby include:
Shock and denial:
Parents often feel stunned by the baby’s death and wonder if it can really be happening. It is common at this stage for parents to feel emotionally numb. It all seems unreal and parents feel detached and distant from others.
Disorganisation/lack of direction:
Sometimes parents look for new involvements in life so as not to experience the depth of the emotional pain, eg. moving house, changing jobs. However it is important to cope with the loss first, before making important decisions.
Anger and Guilt:
Anger at the loss is natural. It may be expressed towards the hospital, doctor, family, friends or God. Family and friends are not likely to understand the depth of the anger. However parents should be allowed to express their anger at such a time to someone who can listen and understand.
Guilt too is a normal part of the grieving process. Parents often feel they are to blame for the loss.
The mother may feel she is a failure as a woman and a mother. These feelings are very real. Again they should not be dismissed but listened to by an understanding person.
Depression, loss and loneliness:
When family and friends consider support of the bereaved parents is no longer necessary, the grieving parents may feel very much alone. Their grief is still very real and the parents may find it difficult to:
During this phase, it is common to have changes in sleeping or eating patterns, fluctuations of mood and problems with concentration. This is a time of transition with many highs and lows but it is through these varied experienced that parents work towards resolving their grief.
Healing and adjusting:
Parents re-establish their social perspective through the affection and encouragement of friends and family. After a while, memories of the baby become less painful and planning for a new future becomes realistic.
CHILDREN AND GRIEF:
The death of a baby can confuse other children in the family.
The other children need to know they are still loved and that they are special to their parents.
It is important to be honest with other children giving simple, clear explanations as often as they are requested or seen to be needed.
Children generally cope with grief much better than adults imagine. Children’s reactions to death vary with age.
1-4 years: Children in this age group react to changes in the parents. They need reassurance that their parents still love them.
4-7 years: At this age children are more inquisitive and may ask many questions concerning the death and the funeral.
7-12 years: Children at this age are more aware of relationships in the family. They need more details concerning the baby’s death and funeral.
12 onwards: This is a time of questioning family and social beliefs. It is a time of emotional development. Thus responses may be varied and unpredictable.
Each child reacts differently to the loss. The child may show signs of withdrawal, emotional distress, tantrums, poor concentration or disturbances in eating and sleeping. These reactions can be difficult for parents to deal with at a time when they are feeling emotionally depleted and physically exhausted. But parents’ patience and reassurance will help the children to resolve their grief.
The decision on whether children should see the baby and attend the funeral will depend on their ages, personalities, cultural and religious factors and the parents’ feeling.
Children should be consulted and their wishes should be the main factor in the decision.
The funeral often provides children with a real expression for their feelings.
FATHERS AND GRIEF:
The father may feel that nobody understands that the baby was his child too. He may feel that he has to make all the arrangements and generally cope while his wife gets all the sympathy. He may feel it is best not to mention the baby to his wife so she won’t get upset but in doing this he may be preventing himself and the mother from expressing grief.
The following suggestions may help:
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS:
At a time like this emotional and communication breakdown between parents is not unusual. This course may lead to problems in their sexual relationship. Sometimes problems arise because the mother is concerned about becoming pregnant or with her feelings of inadequacy as a wife or mother. Along with loss of appetite and fatigue, loss of interest in sex can be a normal reaction during depression. If a couple can discuss their feelings and respect the needs of their partner, their relationship is likely to grow stronger.
ANOTHER PREGNANCY:
Many parents anguish over the decision to have another baby and although it is a personal decision, it may be worth considering the following:
You may wish to change hospital or doctors - this is a normal reaction and not one to feel guilty about. The next pregnancy may be stressful and parents may feel anxious as they approach the time in the pregnancy their previous baby died.
The birth of the next baby may elicit painful memories although these are usually short lived.
SOME HELPFUL BOOKS AVAILABLE:
LOSS ON A BABY-Understanding Maternal Grief By Margaret Nicol
WHEN HELLO MEANS GOODBYE By Pat Schwiebery and Paul Kirk
WHEN THE DREAM IS SHATTERED By Judith and Michael Murray
THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL By Brookes
NO TIME TO SAY GOODBYE By P Arnott
FUNERALS TO CELEBRATE LIFE By M Barnes
THE COURAGE TO HEAL By Bass and Daws
WHEN A BABY DIES By Nancy Kohner and Alix Henley
EMPTY ARMS By Sherokee Ilse
Most libraries have an extensive range of these books. CRADLE NT also has a comprehensive book library.
CRADLE NT INC.
PHONE: 0438 272 353.